PPD

No, for you medical folks out there, I’m not talking about a TB test, I’m talking about postpartum depression. Yes. I said it. (Gasp!)

Why is there such a stigma around mental health issues? For over half of my life, I have battled depression. I tend to be very open about it, however, I’ve never stopped anyone on the street to tell them that. (“Hey man, I have depression with a little side of anxiety! How ’bout you?”) I have, however, discussed with others my ongoing struggle. I believe that both a psychiatrist and a therapist are essential to living (or for some, merely existing) with depression.

There are two main types of depression:

1. Major Depressive Disorder (The one I’m so lucky to have acquired- yay!)
2. Persistent Depressive Disorder (also referred to as dysthymia)

You can find out more about the different types of depression and anxiety by going to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (or ADAA) website here.

Did you know that 322 MILLION people live with depression worldwide? That’s slightly less than the population of the United States! Another fun fact is that the US didn’t even make The Forbes 10 Happiest Countries In The World In 2018. We came in at a dismal #18. You can go ahead and click on the link if you’d like, I’ll wait for you. However, in case you don’t want to tear yourself away from this riveting post, here’s the Top 10 in random order. Just kidding. However, for maximum suspense, I’ve revealed them in reverse chronological order. Ok, ready? Here they are:

10. Australia

9. Sweden

8. New Zealand

7. Canada

6. The Netherlands

5. Switzerland

4. Iceland

3. Denmark

2. Norway

and #1 is…

Any guesses?

…

1. Finland!!

Sorry…I guess that wasn’t as dramatic as I’d hoped. I’ve never been to Finland though, so maybe it is dramatic?

Did you notice that all of Scandinavia is on the list? Interesting. They are further north than we are, so they have it colder and darker. Sounds fun… I know I can’t get enough of the freezing temps and lack of sunlight right now, can you?

I seem to have gotten off subject. Sorry about that. Let’s dive back into postpartum depression, not just regular depression, shall we?

After Youngy was born, I plunged into what is called the “baby blues”. (In case you didn’t read my previous post entitled “Solids“, I will henceforth be referring to our youngest as “Youngy”. Clever, eh?) Baby blues? Really? If you can call not sleeping because your body jolts awake at the slightest sound from your tiny new human (ok, my new human wasn’t so tiny), crying uncontrollably at EVERYTHING, and the inability to eat because your stomach is all tied up in knots, then yes, I did have the “baby blues”. If the symptoms go on for longer than a few weeks, I was told, they elevate your status to “postpartum depression”. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds.

It doesn’t make sense to me that after the miracle of bringing forth a child, one can feel such despair. The feeling should be one of pure elation. The birth of a baby should be the happiest day of a woman’s life, but because of some stupid mood disorder called depression, that’s not always the case. Damn you, depression! All I wanted was to be like the new moms on TV who seem to have “lack of sleep” as their only postpartum trouble. Is it too much to ask to be like a TV mom?! Come on!

After coming home from the hospital, I felt remorseful because I wasn’t feeling the joy I’d felt when Oldy was brought home. (Yes- you guessed it, “Oldy” is my oldest boy. Good job!) The guilt didn’t help the depression at all, obviously. I felt like such a failure as a mother. (I’ll write a future post dedicated solely to “Mom Guilt”. I have a lot to say on the subject.)

I’m still feeling some “mom failure”, but because of the help I’ve been receiving (medication change and therapy every 2 weeks), I’m feeling better every day. My husband and Oldy noticed an improvement in my mood when I decided to start selling on eBay and writing this blog, instead of sitting on the couch crying all the time. (I’m guessing the change was pretty obvious.) My new medication, added to my old ones, jump-started my brain into what it once was. I’m starting to recognize myself again, and damn- I am lovely!

Stop laughing.

Well, this post seems to have gone on longer than expected, but as you can see, I have a passion for depression. That sounded weird. Let’s try this again. I care deeply for depression. Nope. That was even weirder.

Let’s just leave it at that.

Night night.